Ross vs. Online Dating

Okay, let me start off with a preface: I am not looking for a woman on Match.Com. This is just an experiment to see what insane matches the cyber world would match me up with.

This idea came from an event several years ago where a friend of mine, his girlfriend and I invented the Match.Com game. Rules were simple: Invent any outrageous search criteria (say tallest lesbian over 75 years old) and the closest match won. We played our game for hours. It proved to me there is something for everyone up there. But I was curious about my luck.

Finally, I broke down when a female friend who had been looking on all the big sites threw out the notion that there were more women up on Match than men. A firm believer that the ratio of desperate men to women was about 100 to 1, I had to set up my own account to see if my theory held.

So Step 1, the Profile.

I wrote a profile that I was sure would completely decrease my odds of getting a hit. I described myself pretty much as I am and listed such high qualities in her as: not in prison currently and does not kill small animals (my Australian ex-boss would advocate a gal who DID kill small animals) but I digress. I was even bold enough to use a real photo of myself. But it was me holding a pink t-shirt that read “Are you tough enough?” A fitting profile picture. So the stage is set.

I confessed to my Match pal what I had done and she was all over me to share. I was reluctant at first, but finally I said “ok” and she went to search for me but I was not there. Odd, I had done all the stuff and it said that I was live. At this point I assumed my lack of being there was due to me being a cheap bastard and not paying for the service, so I could look but not “touch” as it were. But within minutes of her searching I propagated through the system.

Then sadly for me all my new searches took me to my friend. I felt this was some subtle Jedi mind trick. But after a rather frantic troubleshooting session I freed myself. I could search for whatever I wanted.

Now, I have to explain my pre-conceived notions about on-line dating. One on-line dates if one is desperate/lazy/crazy. I expected all three. Yes, intellectually, I knew there could be some edge cases where some sweet, normal chick was looking for love, but I highly doubted it.

Step 2, My First Trolling

She is: 25-35, tall, and athletic. Likes movies, long walks and playing cards. I am amusing myself now. My ideal is way more complex than that, but baby steps. Run the query… Ding, ding, ding! Let’s look at the winners. First gal is very hot. Looks like a model. I am starting to rethink my views on this dating thing. Haven’t tackled the problem of she’d never date me, but don’t care. She’s hot. So I look at all 6 posted pictures of her. Number 4 was the deal breaker. Crazy eyes. She was batshit nuts. I’ve seen this look before. I know this look. This look is the look of “I will make you beg for death by the time this is done…”

Gal #2 was less hot and less crazy, but very bland: romantic dinners, long walks, talking (oh good god) and her love of Jesus.

Gals #3, 4, 5 were frankly rat-women. Skinny, boney, and with big Ocelot eyes. Sort of Gollum-like if Gollum wore summer dresses and flip flops.

Gal #6 made me feel bad that I was not taking this seriously. She was nice enough looking and she clearly was being honest. Her profile read snarky and made me laugh. I almost thought about emailing her, but decided not to, because I felt she deserved a decent treatment… plus she lived in Everett, WA and I sure wasn’t going to date anybody that willingly lived in Everett. I might think about it if she was held captive by a crazed cult of ninjas and bears, but not willingly. I am a snob that way.

Just checked my email and Match has matched my profile up with twelve lucky winners.

Hmmn.

To be continued….