K-Mart

"I'm going to Hell again. It was a perfect storm: an obnoxious woman, obnoxious children, a stoner cashier, a really loud security alarm and me being in a bad mood, forced to shop at K-Mart because my white shirt was ruined and I needed a fresh one quickly."

This was my Facebook posting today and since I've been very negligent of my small band of blog vultures, I throw you a scrap of meat.

So yesterday I went and saw the Hubble movie in 3D at the IMAX theatre in the Pacific Science Center and quite enjoyed it even though (for me) 3D has always been a challenge. Testing-wise my spatial ability is quite refined. In my mind, I "see" spatial relationships quite well, but as the man who walks into doors and bus signs, maybe no such bragging rights.

Well after the movie I wandered over to the Center house to indulge in a childhood favorite, a Frankfurter cheese dog and an Orange Julius. Go figure, I remember the combo being way more awesome than I found it yesterday. Of course, at that point in my life I thought Mac and Cheese was like ambrosia, the food of the gods.

So I have feasted and now it is time to return the truck to take myself away from the churn that is Downtown. As is life in Seattle, I walk out of the Center House and get maybe 50 yards and - whoosh! - torrential downpour. I take cover under an over hang on the Seattle Rep building. I wait, wait, wait, wait and wait some more. But I am in a good mood so I take in the Seattle ambiance and amuse myself at watching my fellow citizens scurry to and fro.

Finally, I am thinking it's time, even though it is still raining hard. So I stroll on. Now at this point, I should point out I am not wearing a jacket. I walk to the truck a few blocks away and by the time I get to the truck, I am soaked. As fate would have it by the time I get to the truck it has stopped raining. Had I waited five more minutes I would have been completely on a different vector yesterday.

So I pile into the Toyota and hit Highway 99 and go north. All is well, I am on my way to my friend's place for dinner and experimental drink mixology and a great board game called "Kill, Dr. Lucky" For people who like board games, think "Clue" in reverse with an hint of "Tag."

As I am driving, I look down and realize that the orange parking ticket receipt has run ink all over my white shirt. Had it been a red ticket, it would look like someone had shot me. Well I wasn't going on like this and had decided looping back home for a new shirt would take too long, I decided to stop at K-Mart which was right ahead of me. I started to think Dante: "Abandon all hope ye who enter..."

Now, I must stop and explain K-Mart as I understand it. It is not inherently evil. In fact I believe it serves a purpose. If nothing else, it is a humbler Wal-Mart. No one looks proud to be in K-Mart. You don't see land masses pushing carts slobbering for their next round of "good eats" or pregnant teenage girls with tattoos looking at maternity clothes with that sort of "I am proud to be an Ugly American" Wal-Mart mojo.

K-Mart I think has Target envy. At Target, even snobby white elitists will frequent Target for "the basic stuff, you know" and K-Mart tries to lure the same. But, the formula breaks down because that also can't ditch the double-wide crowd. Heh. I get two for one on that last line...

So back from my social statement and on to going to Hell.

So after cruising for a shirt I made my way to the check out line. By the way, one can get a 5x shirt there, and despite a certain Australian voice I hear in my head at times regarding husky sizes, it was a fricken tent and I felt tiny. I had off to get in line to pay my part continuing to support some 14-year old Mexican seamstress making in a year what I spent on a cheese dog and smoothie.

So here is where I start to get nasty, so for those with delicate sensibilities read no further.

First, on an individual basis there is no good or evil here on the traits I describe. "Single" "mother" of "five" "shopping" "to get a deal." In fact, normally my liberal knee-jerk reaction is to feel compassion and if she's hot enough, to wonder if she's dating. Kidding, sort of. It's the degree of hotness.

But this day the combination is a vile one. Let's start this with "hot". Not so much. Unless you have a thing for the Muppet "Miss Piggy" with bad hair. Or maybe a beach ball that has mutated stubby legs and hands with a dead-rat wig.

I am not ashamed to admit, that if I had an inner conflict about judging a book by it's cover, it faded the moment I heard this woman speak in a gibber-tongue that resembled some phonetic cousin of English. When one thinks that Ebonics flows like Shakespeare compared to this hooting and snorting language of the inbred white trash backwoods, one realizes that Miss Piggy is in the big city shopping at her version of Barney's New York.

At this point, dear reader, you must be wondering exactly what happened? Showtime.

Tranlating from Gibber to English for your ease of reading.

"What? No, that's not right. That was on sale. It's half off."
"What? No, that was on sale too."
"What? That was "Buy 2 and get one free..."

This went one for every item. Hmmn. One was actually on sale. During this exchange, the cashier was a cross between the bus driver on the "Simpson's" and Ted from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" kept saying in a stoned, lazy voice some version of "Whoa lady, I just scan stuff and take the money."

Annoying but finite.

Finally, Miss Porkchop Hill moves on to herd her pack of junior Yeti off to what I assume would be the YetiMobile when all of sudden when they near the door, the security alarm goes off.

Now in a normal store, the alarm is loud and draws attention. In a store where they are expecting shop-lifting, the alarm is deafening to the point I assume it is to daze and render the intended thief spasmodic (and taking those close to them down also). Ok, get it? LOUD!

So, what does the mother of the Yeti clan do? Stands there. Right next to the sensor. It was clear she expected a button to be pushed and she would be allowed to shamble on.

At K-Mart, not so much. So alarm and more alarm. People are yelling at her to move away from the door but she can't really hear well and basic directions would escape her on her best day (I am thinking the condom wrapper was too much for her).

I didn't see it, but I think Keanu Reeves little brother held up a Snicker's bar because she wanders back to him within hearing range and he tells her to move away from the sensor.

Now here is where it gets fun. She waddles back to her cart and with an effort of Hercules steers it away from the senors. Magic does not happen and it dawns on me one of the yeti is wearing clothing that is still tagged to set off the sensor. She's dressed the yeti in store clothing....

As I am realizing what is going on the Store Manager arrives and is playing catch up. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, Piggly Wiggly does her best to deflect attention away for herself and starts bleating about how Keanu yelled at her.

Again translating from Gibber to the mother tongue...

"He yelled at me! He shouldn't yell at me. It was wrong of him!"
"I am never shopping here again!"
"You treat people wrong here!"

At this point my own transaction is complete and I have had enough.

So with her last proclamation of "wrong", I said:

"You know what else is wrong?"

I have everybody's attention. I make an overly-dramatic look at her children and turn back.

"Sex with baboons."

As I left I noticed Keanu gave me two thumbs up.

Poor Keanu. You couldn't pay me enough to do his job.