Traffic Rant

New blog finally! I was in need of something snarky to say. I am there now.

First off, to my ambulance chasing following (all 5 of you), this could have been about me pinning myself in the backseat and amusing the Sikh taxi driver, or my accident with the waffle batter, or my last breakdown with the truck. It could have been about my intense dislike of the Greenwood parade or why you should not pour the wrong fluids into your engine.

It could have been… but it isn’t.

My suffering can wait.

Instead I want to rant about others.

Other drivers. In fact maybe even you!

So really my rant goes something like this: Why are my fellow drivers retarded?

To frame this correctly, I am going to examine my drive to and from work. It is the same stupidity every day and I have actually developed a series of mind-teasers regarding what I see.

So bending a rule of good writing, I now refer to “you” as the driving retard, not my adoring reader, however I do not always consider the two mutually exclusive. So if “you” seems sort of “in your face” despite my reader’s innocence, it’s nothing personal, I’ve just lumped everyone together as vehicular bottom-feeders.

Let the rant begin…

Hey You!

Yes, you… on the cell phone… ever heard of Bluetooth? I see you! Is that call so important? I am sure it isn’t. Use the technology and quit trying to kill me because your goddamn wife is too lazy to get off of her bubbled ass and get into her soccer mom mobile and get the milk and bon-bons herself. No, really, that call to your best friend about whether she slept with the hot bartender – unimportant. As unimportant as you are. There is this law… Oh wait, that begs another question…

Seriously, why does the f-ing law apply to everybody BUT you? You wonder why I laugh and point at you while you are pulled over getting a ticket? It’s because the law applies to everyone AND you!

Ha!

You in your Mercedes SUV? Oh, it makes my heart sing when I see a person of self-imposed entitlement get a $242 speeding ticket shoved up their bum for being a complete a-hole. Next time you’re at El Goucho in the Pampas Room, swirling your glass of Robert Biale Monterosso Sonoma Zinfandel and nibbling on your not-so humanly created foie grois, please tell your equally obnoxious associates how you actually were doing 45 in a 20 mph zone and almost ran over a little old man with a walker because you have to get home because little Hayden has to get to her fencing class and then be rushed to her play date with the other six going on fourteen year-olds because you don’t want her to miss any socialization windows.

God, what I’d give to key your car.

But wait, my contempt is not limited to wanna-be aristocratic suburban white folk, oh no I have a much wider field of vision than that.

Hey you, the extreme sports skate/snowboarding goatee and mutton chop side burns flannel shirt wearing granola boy! Yeah I am talking about you too!

Riddle me this, Stephan…

Why do you have to bomb down the freeway at 85 and then slam on your brakes when you get up the traffic jam that you have clearly been able to see for a mile? Do the math (if you can, use your fingers AND toes if you need to), you save not one second! If you drive reasonable, you get there all the same. Oh and tailgating me, only makes me slam on my brakes to scare you to back off, I am not going to speed up because you are trying to make me think you are going to bully me and my P.O.S. truck. Don't you get the "I have no will to live" vibe come from my truck?

Why do you think that changing lanes in gridlock is so f-ing critical? Does going 6 mph, really make it go better than 5 mph. You are going NOWHERE. Chill out. And no, that car length in front of me is NOT an invitation for you to jump in. It is because I don’t want to rear-end the dumb ass in front of me, when some retard like you cuts him off.

By the way, you single-tasking, talking on the cell phone mofo, that turn signal thing really isn’t optional if you don’t want to have some a-hole in a P.O.S. truck like mine not hit you and crumple your little “save the planet” Prius. Especially when you are a dart-in-and-out of traffic punk. If you have any doubts, yes, the silver P.O.S. truck IS screwing with you and deliberately not letting you be the spastic you are.

But wait…there is more…

Hey you, the “I am nearly retired, get off my lawn you kids, stick up my ass, by God I am a Republican Tax Payer, driving my mustard yellow Hummer” I got some words for you too…

For starters, the fast lane is for people who drive the speed limit or somewhat faster, it’s commonly known as the “passing lane”. Despite you, it is not known as the “I have a small penis and drive a Hummer ten miles an hour slower than the speed limit because I can” lane. On that note, stay out of the HOV lanes, that’s a double crime against humanity: Going slow and acting like God’s chosen. Speaking of HOV lanes… Don’t get all pissy, but since you’ve just bypassed nearly an hour of gridlock by zooming up the HOV lanes. Don’t get all whacked when no one wants to let you in, we who have been sitting in traffic and try to nose your way in because you are in that big ol’ Hummer. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’ll let you hit me AND let you have the ticket for not yielding the right of way. Buy me a new truck please!

Oh, before I sign off, let me take a shot at some others…

To the jerk with the over-powered bass in his trunk... If I wanted to hear your rap music from 10 blocks away, I’ll download the album. Turn your crap down…

To the grandma who insists on turning left on a major arterial out of the gas station parking lot. Turn right again go around the block, it’s just as fast. You are wasting not only your time but mine.

To Mr. California, I understand taking u-turns wherever you feel like it is legal back home. You are not home, dumbass.

To the homeless guy on the side of the road. Yelling at me and demanding money doesn’t endear you to me. It makes me wish you’d get a real job, or go off into the forest and die.

To the holier than thou, carbon-foot print shrinking, bicyclists who are not bound by the laws of traffic because they are noble creatures like bald eagles and Bengal tigers, all I have to say is go ahead and ignore traffic laws and assert yourselves as if you have the same rights as both cars and pedestrians at the same time. Physical laws trump traffic laws every time and all I can say is my favorite law when dealing with you self-righteous pricks, is the law of tonnage (oh and Newton’s law about things in motion stay in motion until acted upon…).

But I have been saving my best vitriol for the over-the-hill, absolutely uncool leather bound clod on a motorcycle or as I will refer to them as…donor-cycles. Forgive me, my friend, but because you think you should do 90 mph and weave in and out of traffic, or zoom up between lanes of slow traffic, or even just idling, revving your engine like you are Thor, god of thunder, when you die doing your completely brain-dead antics, well I can’t help think it is proof of Darwin in action. One less of you…

Rant over.

I feel better.

Time to love my fellow humans… until I get behind the wheel again.